Atlantic：The Rise of the Single Dad

ASMEFanser · 发表于 2014-3-2 16:12:59

When his son, Kyle, was four months old, Stefan Malliet woke up to his crying at three o’clock in the morning. Stefan tried to figure out what was wrong—Kyle wasn’t hungry, his diaper wasn’t dirty, but he still wouldn’t settle down and go to sleep. He just kept screaming. With no one else in the house to take Kyle off his hands, Stefan called a friend, crying: “I had no idea what was going on.”

When I asked Stefan how he decided to take on the responsibilities of a single dad, he said, “This is my child. I have to be here.”

Today, more men than ever are making the same choice. A Pew Research study published this statistic this summer: 8 percent of households with minor children are now headed by a single father, up from just one percent in 1960. This represents a nine-fold increase, from fewer than 300,000 households in 1960 to more than 2.6 million in 2011. In contrast, the number of single-mother households increased four-fold during that time period, from 1.9 million in 1960 to 8.6 million in 2011. These numbers speak to two trends in American family life today: a rising divorce rate over the past half-century, along with the increasing frequency of parents never marrying at all; and the growing societal acceptance of fathers as primary caregivers.

A century ago, this image of men left alone with children was horrifying enoughto spur an anti-suffrage movement. So what happened? How did single fatherhood go from terrifying to increasingly normal?

According to the Pew study, we can attribute a large part of this to the U.S. judicial system, and its shifting standards for child custody cases. Until recently, U.S. courts would almost always rule “in the best interest of the child” (slang for “in favor of the mother”). But since the early 2000’s, many states have been adopting legislation that moves away from the “best interest” policy. Most new legislation provides for “joint parenting” or joint physical custody, policies that encourage both parents to spend equal time with the child (Oregon, Minnesota, Arizona, Iowa, and Maine have particularly strong joint parenting laws). But rather than prompting divorced parents to split their child’s time 50-50, these policies seem to have prompted a dramatic increase in the number of single fathers.

A 2011 study published in the Journal of Empirical Legal Studies explains why this is happening. The study analyzes the case of Oregon, which in 1997 became one of the first states to formally enact joint parenting legislation. Before this change, Oregon’s custody law was pretty standard. It favored joint legal custody (the parents both have a say in decisions made about the child), but not joint physical custody. The decision about physical custody was made “in the best interest of the child,” which generally meant that the child lived with one parent or the other (and most often with the mother). After the new legislation, Oregon courts defaulted to joint parenting, encouraging the child to spend half her time with dad, and half her time with mom.

But this new law didn’t turn out the way legislators expected. Instead of increasing the number of families that split parenting time equally, it increased the numbers of fathers with sole custody.

There are a few reasons why the state push for joint parenting is resulting in more single dads.

It empowers fathers to ask for more, and believe they deserve it.William Fabricius, Professor of Psychology at Arizona State University and chair of Arizona’s committee on child custody statutes, says that most men want to share parenting time equally, but assume courts have a strong maternal bias.

“Dads think that the courts will favor mom, and so they will settle for less parenting time. They see other dads in the neighborhood who spend time with their kids every other weekend, and assume that’s the way it is. They don’t ask for more parenting time because they don’t think it’s the norm,” Professor Fabricius said.

Since only five percent of child custody cases ever make it to trial, these perceptions of the norm are important. If men realize that courts are granting more parenting time to fathers than they have in the past, they’ll be more likely to ask for more time with their child, and fight to get it. Men used to assume that there was no way they’d get custody of their kids—and that maybe it was for the best.

“When most of my friends started having kids ten years ago, they all used to say, ‘I don’t know how to take care of a kid,’ and ‘that’s not what men are supposed to do,’” said Malliet.

But now attitudes are changing. More fathers are starting to believe that they have something important to contribute to their children’s lives. There might be a steep learning curve to single parenting, but men are much more likely to push through the three-in-the-morning screaming fits if other people – particularly the courts—think they can handle it.

Sharing is complicated. Joint physical custody can be a headache for two people who just don’t want much to do with each other anymore. It involves seeing your ex on a regular basis and living nearby so that your child can stay in one school.

“If you ask a woman what kind of custody deal she wants, she’d probably say that her first preference is for her to get sole custody, her second preference is for the father to get sole custody, and her third preference is joint custody,” said Margaret Brinig, the Fritz Duda Family Chair in Law at the University of Notre Dame and co-author of the Oregon study. “Most people don’t want to share.”

On top of their own personal issues with shared parenting, divorced couples might also worry about how it will affect their children. They don’t want their kids to feel confused or disoriented when they pack up and move to a different house every week.

These hesitations create an interesting paradox: legislation that supports joint physical custody is actually promoting single fatherhood. If fathers are empowered to ask for more parenting time than they’ve had in the past, mothers may be more likely to give up their part of the custody.

With the courts putting more faith in single fathers, Malliet thinks the next big hurdle will be those fathers having faith in themselves. Single dads are more easily discouraged than single moms, he says, because men suffer from a lack of parental training. While women often grow up tucking their dolls into bed at night, young men are rarely conditioned to take care of someone else. This lack of experience can make single dads begin to doubt whether they are really cut out for this, after all.

“Before I had Kyle, my only experience with kids was as a youth football coach,” said Malliet. “I would tell the kids on the tea, ‘you have to do this, you have to do that..’ But the first time it’s three in the morning and you can’t make your kid stop crying, you know that’s not how it works.”

ASMEFanser · 发表于 2014-3-2 16:13:50

《大西洋月刊》：单身父亲的崛起

当凯尔（Kyle）四个月大的时候，斯蒂芬•迈里埃特（Stefan Malliet）在凌晨三点钟被儿子的哭声吵醒。斯蒂芬试着找出原因——凯尔不饿，他的尿片也没有脏，但小家伙就是安静不下来，也不睡觉。他就是不停地尖叫。屋里没有其他人可以搭把手抱一下凯尔，斯蒂芬跟一个朋友打电话，哭诉道：“我不知道发生了什么事。”
当我问斯蒂芬他是如何决定担负起一个单身爸爸的责任时，他说道，“这是我的孩子。我必须这样做。”
从未有像今天这么多的男人在做同样的选择。一个皮尤研究①（Pew Research）项目在今年夏天公布了一个统计数据：8%有未成年子女的家庭都是由单身父亲在支撑，此数据在1960年仅为1%。这就代表着9倍的增长，从1960年不到30万户到2011年超过260万户。相比之下，单身母亲家庭在此期间仅增加了4倍，从1960年的190万户增长到2011年的860万户。这些数据表明了当下美国家庭生活的两大趋势：过去半个世纪以来持续增长的离婚率，以及离异父母不再婚的情况愈来愈频繁；父亲作为主监护者在社会上的逐步被接受。
100年前，这种在家带孩子的男人形象太可怕了，以至于能推动一场反普选运动。那么到底发生了什么？单身父亲角色如何由可怕至极变得日益正常了呢？
根据皮尤研究的结果，我们把绝大部分原因归咎于司法制度，以及它在孩子的监护权案件中标准的转换。直到最近，美国法院也几乎总是“本着孩子的最佳利益”（俚语为“为了帮助母亲”）去执法。不过从本世纪初开始，许多州已经采取了与“最佳利益”政策无关的法律。大多数的新立法规定了“共同抚养”或者共同生活监护权，以及鼓励父母双方花同等时间陪孩子的政策（尤其是俄勒冈州、明尼苏达州、亚利桑那、爱荷华州和缅因州，它们都有严格的共同抚养法律）。但是这些政策没能促使离异双方把孩子的时间五五分，而似乎已经促成了单身父亲数目的急剧增加。
刊登在《实证法律研究杂志》（Journal of Empirical Legal Studies）上的一项研究解释了这一事实的成因。该研究在2011年进行，它以俄勒冈州为案例进行分析，该州在1997年成为首批正式颁布共同抚养法律的州之一。在此之前，俄勒冈州的监护权法律相当标准。它支持共同法定监护权（父母双方在有关孩子的决定上均有发言权），不过并不是共同生活监护权。关于生活监护权的决定在制定时要“本着孩子的最佳利益”，这通常就意味着孩子要和双亲中的一方生活在一起（而且很多时候是和母亲）。新的法律颁布之后，俄勒冈州的法庭默认了共同抚养，鼓励孩子一半时间跟爸爸在一起，一半时间跟妈妈在一起。
然而新法律并没有产生立法者们预期的效果。没能增加均等分配抚养时间的家庭数目，反倒增加了拥有单独监护权的父亲的数目。
推行共同抚养权政策却带来更多的单身父亲，造成该结果的原因颇多。
这样就使得父亲可以索取更多，而且他们坚信自己理所应得。威廉•法布里修斯（William Fabricius）是亚利桑那州立大学的心理学教授，同时也是亚利桑那州子女监护权委员会的主席，他说大多数的男人都想均等享有抚养时间，但是他们认为法院有强烈偏袒母亲的倾向。
“爸爸们认为法院将会支持妈妈，所以他们就勉强接受较少的抚养时间。他们看到街坊其他的爸爸每隔一周才跟孩子们在一起，就认为事情理应如此。他们不再要求更多的抚养时间，因为他们认为那样不合规范，” 法布里修斯教授如是说。
因为只有5%的子女监护权案件最终到了开庭审讯这一步，所以对这些规范的认知是很重要的。如果男人们意识到法院正在赋予父亲比以往更多的抚养时间，他们就极有可能要求得到更多跟孩子相处的时间，并且会为之奋斗。男人们过去总是假定自己无法获得孩子的监护权——默默接受可能就是最好的做法。
“十年前，当我的大多数朋友初为人父的时候，他们总是说，‘我不知道怎样照顾小孩，’或者‘那不是男人应该干的活儿，’”，迈里埃特说。
不过现在，态度在不断地改变。更多的父亲开始认识到他们有一些重要的东西需要奉献给孩子的生命。对于单身抚养而言，可能会遇到一个急转直下的学习曲线，但是如果其他人——尤其是法院——认为男人们能完成，那他们就更有可能处理好凌晨三点钟发作的尖叫。
分摊时间是很复杂的。共同生活监护权对于不想再有往来的双方而言，确实是一件让人头疼的事。这其中包括，你要经常看到你的前任，以及为了孩子能在一所学校上学，你们住得不能离太远。
“如果你询问一位女士她想要哪种监护权政策，她可能会说她的第一选择是自己获得单独监护权，她的第二选择是孩子父亲获得单独监护权，而她的第三选择才是共同监护权，”玛格丽特•布莱尼格（Margaret Brinig）这样说，她是美国圣母大学法学院弗里茨•杜达家庭的主席，同时也是俄勒冈州研究的合著者。“大多数人都不想共享。”
除了他们自己关于共享抚养权的问题之外，离异双方可能也会担心这会给孩子带来怎样的影响。他们不想让孩子在每个星期收拾行李、搬到另一个房子的时候感到困惑或晕头转向。
这些犹豫不决产生了一个有意思的悖论：支持共同生活监护权的法律实际上却鼓励了单身父亲。如果父亲们有权利要求比以往更多的抚养时间，母亲们就极有可能放弃她们那一部分的抚养权。
随着法院对单身父亲的信任度增加，迈里埃特认为接下来的大障碍将会是这些父亲对自己的信任。他说，单身爸爸比单身妈妈更容易受挫，因为男人缺乏做父母的培训。女孩在成长过程中，通常会有晚上把洋娃娃裹在被窝里的经历，而男孩子却很少有机会去照顾他人。经验的缺乏可能会使单身爸爸怀疑自己究竟适不适合做这件事。
“在凯尔出生之前，我唯一跟孩子在一起的经历是当青年足球教练，”迈里埃特说。“在喝茶的时候我会告诉孩子们，‘你必须做这件事，你必须做那件事……’但是第一次在凌晨三点你却无法让孩子停止哭泣时，你就知道事情并没有那么简单了。”